


But it would've been fun, If you would've been the one

by annacec



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Self-Reflection, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25491007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annacec/pseuds/annacec
Summary: Angsty Sanvers inspired by the song "the 1".
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	But it would've been fun, If you would've been the one

_I’m doing good,_

_I’m on some new shit_

_Been saying “yes” instead of “no”_

Alex really was doing good. She was doing good, right? At least she wasn’t burying herself into work like she did in the beginning, when she dug herself so deep she didn’t know where she started and the DEO ended, autonomy and social life lost beneath a pile of “urgent cases” and “mandatory reports” that could’ve been done by anyone else had Alex not needed an excuse to not go home to her empty apartment, where there was nowhere to hide from her loneliness and the memories of Maggie persisted like dust in the air, invisible until lit by sunlight.

_I thought I saw you at the bus stop,_

_I didn’t though_

In the beginning she thought she saw Maggie everywhere, her mind playing cruel tricks and forcing her to see what she so desperately wanted to forget - a glimpse, a face, a shadow, an instant where her stomach dropped and her head spun and she didn’t know whether to run away or run closer, to smile or cry. It was never her though and Alex didn’t know whether she felt relief or disappointment.

_I hit the ground running each night_

_I hit the Sunday manitee_

_You know the greatest films of all time were never made_

The memories that played in her head were more vivid than any film she had ever seen, with twice the feeling – their first meeting, kiss, and date. She wondered whether it had been as special as she thought it was, or if that was just her own bias. If their story had been a movie, would people have watched it? She liked to think so.

_I guess you never know, never know_

_And if you wanted me, you really should’ve showed_

_And if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow_

_And it’s alright now_

She had half expected Maggie to come back, or to call. She half expected she herself would’ve called. Maggie didn’t call. Alex didn’t call. What did that mean? Did it make her a coward or did it make her strong? She tried not to wonder. It was alright now.

_But we were something, don’t you think so?_

_Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool_

_And if my wishes came true_

_It would’ve been you_

Alex wondered whether she’d have another love like Maggie, or if Maggie was her one. Did people only get one? She used to think so, despite the scientific impossibility of it. She had wanted to think so, especially after meeting Maggie. Now she didn’t want to believe anymore, because if it was true, what did that mean for her?

_In my defence I have none_

_For never leaving well enough alone_

_But it would’ve been fun_

_If you would’ve been the one_

Alex could’ve given up her hopes for kids. Maybe she should’ve. Maybe then Maggie would’ve been her one. They could’ve had a life together. A good one, even. No kids, but they could’ve been happy. Could she have been happy, or would that happiness have entailed losing a part of herself?

_I had this dream you’re doing cool shit_

_Having adventures on your own_

_You meet some woman on the internet and take her home_

Alex ended up going back to the alien bar. With Kara, with their friends, she had to. She never saw Maggie there again and tried not to think about where she was instead. Who she was with. She couldn’t control her subconscious though and so jealousy lit up her nights, illuminating the back of her eyelids with phantom images, searing pain and even more potent loneliness.

_We never painted by the numbers, baby_

_But we were making it count_

_You know the greatest loves of all time are over now_

Their relationship was never perfect, nor was it typical. But it had worked, it was perfect for them. Maggie had fit with her, understood her in a way few others did or even had the capability to. How would Alex find someone else who could fit in as seamlessly as Maggie had, who would not only tolerate Alex with her obsession with her work and her endless devotion for her sister, but appreciate it?

_I guess you never know, never know_

_And it’s another day waking up alone_

_But we were something, don’t you think so?_

Alex wondered whether Maggie had the same kind of thoughts. Did she regret it? Did she wonder what if? Did she feel as alone as Alex? Was there a permanent cold spot in the bed, a lingering scent that didn’t go away no matter how many times the bedding was change or what fabric softener she used? Was she as haunted as Alex? And if she was, did she mind?

_Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool_

_And if my wishes came true_

_It would’ve been you_

Alex didn’t believe in luck, but if she did, hers would be shit. If she had any wishes she would’ve wished for Maggie. Maybe she had wished for Maggie, but her luck had run out just before they go to their happy ending. Were there even happy endings?

_In my defence, I have none_

_For never leaving well enough alone_

_But it would’ve been fun_

_If you would’ve been the one_

Alex tried to get over it. She needed to get over it. Leave Maggie in the past and move on. But every date she went on and every girl she met was just wrong. She made excuses, told herself different things, but it really boiled down to the same thing each time. They weren’t Maggie.

_I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you_

_If one thing had been different_

_Would everything be different today?_

Alex thought about it a lot. Probably more than she should’ve. What would have happened if Maggie had wanted kids? Or if Alex had been able to stomach the thought of not having them. She wondered how it would’ve worked out. She couldn’t predict the future, but she knew that they would’ve had one. It would’ve been a love story.

_We were something, don’t you think so?_

_Rose flowing with your chosen family_

_And it would’ve been sweet_

_If it could’ve been me_

If Maggie had been her one, did that mean that she had been Maggie’s? Were they then both destined to end up alone, or did the universe decide to torture humans by giving them non-reciprocated loves? She’d almost prefer the latter – that way maybe one of them wouldn’t have to be miserable.

_In my defence, I have non_

_For digging up the grave another time_

_But it would’ve been fun_

_If you would’ve been the one_

Alex didn’t know how to fix herself or how to move on. She felt like she had to mourn, but were you even allowed to mourn someone who’s not dead? Could you mourn a dream? A possibility? A future? A breakup wasn’t permanent, wasn’t irreversible. She could never totally rule out that someway, somehow they would get back together. They say hope is one of the most powerful emotions, and Alex hadn’t given up hope, despite her best efforts. She didn’t know if that was a blessing or a curse.


End file.
